Photo by Lorelei
___________________
I hadn't laughed so hard in my life. Or at least I couldn't remember it. This was the most fun I had had in decades. I looked up, eyes watering, and felt so alive. My body was invigorated! I looked back at him and his eyes, too, glistened in moisture from laughter. How charming he looked with that moisture clinging at the corners of his eyes. He wiped them away.
"Awe, if only we could go on walks like this every day." I said, letting the longing slip out into my voice. I wanted so much for him to know how much I truly meant the words.
"Yes. Me too." He replied. I looked at him hopefully but he added, "But it's impossible."
Somehow the fog created a cover that was so protective to us. No one could see us. But suddenly I realized that meant I couldn't see if someone was listening. I looked around myself a little uncomfortable at the thought. He caught my arm. "We're safe. It's too early."
"How long do we have now?" I asked.
"Ok, let's not go into this now." He said, smiling widely. His charms melted all my jitters away. How did he always make me feel so comfortable? "Let's just enjoy this moment while it lasts."
I agreed that was what I wanted. I looked forward and just loved the way the fog made the streetlights look so much more romantic- their warm glow would hit his skin in the most lovely way whenever we grew close to them. How I loved him. I wish I could tell him.
"So, shall we stop in for some coffee then?" He put his arm around me and I cuddled in closer. So soft and warm. I wanted to stay here forever.
"Yes. Let's stop in for coffee."
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Timmy tightened his grip on his mother's hand. The mist was very thick and he could hardly see where he was going. He was afraid he would trip up.
'Have you ever been in a cloud?' his mother asked.
Timmy thought of the candy floss clouds he had seen out of the aeroplane window when they had flown to Grandma's last summer. He wondered what it would be like to bounce on their frothy peaks and sink into their cotton wool goodness.
'Of course not, Mommy, that's a stupid question.'
His mother laughed and squeezed his fingers.
'Really?' she said 'Because you're walking through one now.'
When walking on the pier the mist creeps in and I grab for his hand. It's better for us to walk together than seperately. Truth be told I am stealing his heat and he knows this and loves this about me. As we reach the end of the pier - we make a wish. We casually walk back and stop by the only vendor and share a cup of hot chocolate. It was a wonderful dreary day with the man I love.
Even if I hadn't been looking at me feet, I wouldn't have been able to see anything in the dense fog. So it wasn't surprising when I walked headlong into some one else.
"Ow! Jeeze."
" Ow, oh, I'm sorry." He reached out to put a hand on my arm and I recognized the watch.
"Aren't you suppoused to be in school?" I asked suspiciously.
"Aren't you?" he said. I shrugged and looked around, but there was nothing to see but him, and nothing to hear except the waves crashing just out of sight.
"You want to go down and find it?" He asked.
"Find what?" I thought he was crazy.
"The ocean." He walked backward in the direction of the sound. As soon as he was out of sight, I jumped after him. The fog was frightening alone, and I was too far from the street lights.
I crashed into him again but this time we laughed. Stumbling over the sand, the fog thinned out, until we were at the water's edge, and it streached like a wall behind us.
"Only one way to go." He said, pointing out to sea. The hulking shapes of boats crawled across the horizon.
"No, three ways. Left, right or straight." He looked from side to side at the beach trickling away into the fog.
"Which way's home?"
I hadn't laughed so hard in my life. Or at least I couldn't remember it. This was the most fun I had had in decades. I looked up, eyes watering, and felt so alive. My body was invigorated! I looked back at him and his eyes, too, glistened in moisture from laughter. How charming he looked with that moisture clinging at the corners of his eyes. He wiped them away.
"Awe, if only we could go on walks like this every day." I said, letting the longing slip out into my voice. I wanted so much for him to know how much I truly meant the words.
"Yes. Me too." He replied. I looked at him hopefully but he added, "But it's impossible."
Somehow the fog created a cover that was so protective to us. No one could see us. But suddenly I realized that meant I couldn't see if someone was listening. I looked around myself a little uncomfortable at the thought. He caught my arm. "We're safe. It's too early."
"How long do we have now?" I asked.
"Ok, let's not go into this now." He said, smiling widely. His charms melted all my jitters away. How did he always make me feel so comfortable? "Let's just enjoy this moment while it lasts."
I agreed that was what I wanted. I looked forward and just loved the way the fog made the streetlights look so much more romantic- their warm glow would hit his skin in the most lovely way whenever we grew close to them. How I loved him. I wish I could tell him.
"So, shall we stop in for some coffee then?" He put his arm around me and I cuddled in closer. So soft and warm. I wanted to stay here forever.
"Yes. Let's stop in for coffee."
I was sitting at the table by the window, book in hand, sipping my tea, and tapping my foot to no particular beat when the bell rang again. I peeked over the top of the book. Nope. It was a family that had just come in the door. A moment later, the door opened again, ringing the little bell. This time, there was a man, about my age, standing in the doorway surveying the room. I put my book down on the table, sat up straight and waited for him to notice me. When he did, I smiled to assure him that I was who he was looking for. He walked over as I stood up. He said, “You must be Jane,” as he reached out his hand for me to shake. “Yeah. Nice to meet you Ryan.” “Same here. Hey listen, I’m gonna go grab a cup of coffee. Do you want anything else, a pastry or some biscotti or anything?” “Oh, I’m fine, thank you.”
I watched him wait in line at the counter. He stood there with one hand in his pocket and the other gently brushing his neatly trimmed beard. When he got to the front of the line, he ordered a black coffee, and answered the trivia question correctly for 10 cents off. He pulled a few bills and some change out of his pocket and dropped the money on the counter as he made friendly small talk with the cashier, who was smiling at a joke he’d just made, from what I could tell.
He returned to the table and said, “So, Jane, you read C. S. Lewis?” “What? Oh. Yeah. I’m reading him right now. Sorry I forgot,” I laughed nervously. I looked down at my copy of The Four Loves which was worn from my having read it so many times. Ryan picked it up and said, “You know, this is one of my favorites by him. Do you read a lot?” “Habitually,” I replied. When he smiled at me it warmed me inside. I liked this man. He flipped through the pages and said, “Me too.”
“So what else do you do besides read, Ryan?” He looked up, as if hoping someone would give him the answer, and he said, “Well, I play the guitar, and I sing. I do some furniture restoration with my dad every now and then. I have a job, too though. I , uh, own a store.” “Really? What kind of store?” He smiled, and said, “Well, it’s a book and bike store.” My eyes widened. “A book and bike store! Wow! So when did you start doing that?” “Eh, about 5 years back. I really like books, and I also really like bikes, and I think there’re a lot of people out there who do, so, you know, I just sell both.” I liked this man a lot.
We talked for an hour or so, until our drinks were gone. As we sat in the window, the sun beamed in on us through the shades as it set. Sometimes I had to squint to see his smile. As he drank his last sip of coffee, he looked at me and said, “So listen, I know this place, this park, down by the lake. Do you like going for walks?” “I love walks. I’m game,” I said.
We stood up and put on our jackets. I threw my book in my messenger bag and said, “Ryan, do you think you could drive? I actually rode my bike here.” He laughed as he said, “Well, lucky this park isn’t too far then, because I rode my bike too.” So we rode our bikes to this park, and we arrived just at dusk, in time to see the lights come on over the park. And we walked, and laughed, and talked until it was time to ride our bikes home.
I love this photo - I shall have to find time to write something for it.
Vanishing Point
"Hard to believe there's only five more weeks of high school," commented Maria, her breath adding to the early morning fog along the river bank.
"I can't believe it either," uttered Frank as he hunkered along trying to stay warm against the penetrating dampness.
"And what were thinking ending our stint with a zero-period class?"
"Obviously we weren't thinking very clearly."
Maria laughed. "I'm going to miss you Frank."
"Ditto girl. But this is what we've been working hard for: we're both heading off to different colleges in the fall."
"You're right. Goodbye sleepy river town. Goodbye factory job. Goodbye future-less friends."
"We're in the mist now, but the dawn's coming. This fog will disappear, and so will we."
"You're such a poet! I'm the artist. Let's see: Gray hues will yield to bright colors. Vanishing points will give way to new beginnings, new perspectives."
"Oh Maria, I'm going to miss our talks and our walks."
Maria smiled in the mist, "Me too."
They walked on together in the predawn fog, each lost in their own thoughts, each enjoying the white space that punctuated their friendship, both moving on... towards the vanishing point.
I stood in the mist and watched them walk out of my life, the man I loved and his fiance. I knew I had to let them go, had to stand still and not run after him begging him to come back, as it had been my choice in the first place. I had told him I needed space to think, to work through some of my own issues, and while he gave me that space, he found her, his soulmate. It was ironic that in my own healing journey of that period I had come to realise just how deeply I did love him and now it cut deeply to stand by and watch them disappear into the mist, knowing that with each step they took, my heart crumbled even more. I couldn't tear my eyes away but watched as the mist engulfed them and even after they had vanished completely I still stared at the spot in the mist, hoping he would return. Then my line of sight drifted up and settled on the light and I remembered the other thing I had come to know deep inside during my healing journey: No matter how dark it may feel, there is a Light of the World I can look to, and then I can survive anything!
Last Walk
It was nearly a black & white world.
It was the last scene from "Casablanca" kind of night.
We walked without touching.
We walked without speaking.
We knew it was our last walk together,
Our lips touched the fog, but not each other...and then we parted
In the mist
I feel so alone
I have no place
To call my home
Although these walls
Keep me well
There is a future
Beyond this shell
I squint to see
The light ahead
Through this mist
And my leafy bed
For I am turtle
Lost without others
In search of place
In search of my brothers
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